Wednesday, December 25, 2013

The Day the Queen Left Her Court

It has taken my awhile to actually post this entry, not because it was too painful, but because my procrastination was in play.  As I was updating my blog today I found this entry, I had written it the day mom died because I wanted to remember each moment of that day and then just forgot to post.  I found it this Christmas morning and thought what a perfect day to finally post it!!!  Mom made Christmas a day to remember so its fitting that on this day she would make my day one more time.  I love you mom big as the whole shy many!!!





 Sunday June 10, 2012

Heather wakes me at 5:30 a.m., she is exhausted and Anne is asleep in mom's lounger, she asks, could I take over so she could get a little sleep.  Deb and I get out of bed dress after our own 2 hour nap, and head to my mother's room.

 I arrived at my mother's home Saturday afternoon at 3:00 p.m. to take over from Patricia, who had not been to her own home since Sunday the June 3rd.  When I arrive Patricia is at my mother's place at our childhood kitchen table and Allison is in repose in my mothers favorite spot in the kitchen bay window.  Allison tells me, through tears, about David's blessing he has administered that afternoon.  Blessing my mom with comfort and a sweet reunion with Dad, promising that we would take care of each other.  Allison leaves and says she will be back later.  I go to my mother, she is so different from when I spent time with her on Thursday, her breathing is labored, she can answer my questions but they are quick and short, sometimes with just a nod of her head.  Once back in the kitchen I sit with Patricia and plead with her, "Don't leave me alone", to which she thankfully reply's "I'm not leaving you alone".  Its not that I'm scared, its that I don't want to be the only one there when mom leaves this world.

Quickly things start to swirl in our home, friends are stopping by to say goodbye, DeAnn, Carolyn, Anne, Janelle and Kathy....they all want to see mom alive, with each visitor mom finds the strength to open her eyes and say "I love you".  Once they leave she closes her eyes and returns to slumber.

Patricia and I call Nancy, mom's administrating angle hospice nurse, we are worried because she seems more agitated than usual.  Thankfully Nancy comes within the hour, we sit and watch her take mom's pulse, blood pressure and oxygen, she leaves the house and comes back, as she turns her back to mom she whispers the news we knew was coming but wanted to delay as long as possible, "She much worse than yesterday she has about 24 to 48 hours left".  Mom has been on hospice for 19 months, we had kidded each other over those months that mom just said she had cancer so that we would come see her more......I guess she wasn't kidding!!

As I walk back to the living room and start making calls its hits me what I am saying to my sister's when I say "Nancy says mom has about 24 to 48 hours left", mom is dying.  Heather is there within the hour, Allison comes next, Betsey and Richard along with Kathryn and kids jump in their car and leave Vegas.  Anne will pick up Kendall at the airport and be there by 11 p.m.  I want to say to them "don't worry she's taken 19 months to get to this place I'm sure she will be here tomorrow", but I can't get it out because I don't believe this to be true.

Mom hasn't needed to be on any pain medication the entire time,  but now she will be given Morphine to ease her breathing, we administer the medication every 2 hours beginning at 11 p.m..  Mom still seems to be consciousness into the night, I know this because I make mention of her mother's dentures to which she lets our a loud growl, when Allison corrects me that Grandma had a bridge mom makes a calmer sound that we understand to be an "ahh".

I have said many times in this process that mom would have carried her hand cart across the plains and she is now verifying this to be true, mom doesn't lose consciousness or stop eating days before her passing, as the hospice book says, no she will use all her strength to stay with us and help us through the night.

As Deb and I make our way to moms room I can see that her breathing is very labored, her entire body must do the work of breathing, I sit in the lounger recently vacated by Anne.  I administer her last does of Morphine and Ativan hoping that she will be able to calm down.  As I set there watching mom use every ounce of energy to breathe I look to my dad's missionary picture and begin to plead with him, and my Heavenly Father, to come and get her.   I really don't want her to go I want to cuddle up with her as I did as small child.

I call Nancy and let her know what I am witnessing, she tells me that the end is near and to call everyone.  I quickly do so and within 30 minutes we are all gathered at my mother's bed.  Nancy arrives minutes later, by this time we have rolled mom on her side to let the gathered fluid drain from her mouth.  Anne has cuddled up to my to help prop her body, Betsey is reassuring mom that its ok to leave that we love her.  Nancy sweetly tells mom that she can go and as she lifts the oxygen tubs from my her face, she take a few more breaths and with her last breath she opens her eyes as wide as she can and then exhales, Nancy says that this is unusual to have someone open their eyes at the end.  I think to myself, nothing mom does is unusual!!!  I am going to believe that what mom was viewing was the beginning to the answer of her prayers and blessings, a glorious reunion with Dad, her loved ones and the Savior.


Finding Home a son's tribute to his mom's


I introduced you to our friends Sally and Brenda Farrar, our marriage partners, last night their son Ben posted to youtube a slide show in tribute to his parents.

ENJOY!!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwHNp_CYRps&feature=share






Sunday, December 22, 2013

Finding Home - Guest post by Sally Farrar


This past Friday as I was thumbing through my Twitter feed I literally stumbled on a Tweet that was 2 minutes old, "Breaking: Federal judge strikes down Utah's ban on same-sex marriage".  By 9 that night I was at the Salt Lake County building witnessing the marriage of our dear friends Leslie and Penny.  Deb and I lamented that night as we went to bed that we too hadn't taken the leap and that we might have let our chance at marriage slip out of our hands.  Saturday morning we made plans with our other dear friends Sally and Brenda to find an office that would let us apply for a license.  We had to excuse ourselves from the search due to Deb becoming ill at breakfast.  During the day we received hourly updates about their futile search for an office that was open.

This morning as I called Sally she let me know that she had been up all night writing down her experience, that she had been prompted to record her feelings about the day and the court ruling.  After Sally finished reading me her thoughts I asked  for her permission to spread her experience.  Sally expresses for many of us, lesbian mother's, our experience choosing to create and raise a family.  I could not have said it any better,  thank you Sally for speaking up and out, you have been truly brave!!!
 

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“Finding Home” by Sally Farrar, Saturday, 21 December 2013

As I stood in line today in hopes of receiving my Utah State marriage license, I did not feel excited, hopeful, or joyful. In fact, I felt pathetic, foolish, and less than. As I turned to look at the beautiful woman standing next to me, the woman who has been standing by my side for the last 27 years, I felt a sense of overwhelming sadness. She--we--deserved better than this.  Better than standing in a line in the freezing cold hoping a door would open both literally and figuratively. Our love, our union, our struggles, our family deserved better than desperately standing in the freezing cold awaiting doors to open at the Weber County Clerk’s Office in Ogden, UT. We had been up early with the hope of counties opening their doors and allowing us to receive a marriage license. We had driven around for hours from county to county trying to find the one Government office that possessed the courage to follow the court order and issue marriage licenses to its gay and lesbian citizens. We now stood in line with hundreds of people with a small glimmer of hope and yet, my heart and soul felt so very heavy.

My thoughts were suddenly jolted as the phone in my pocket began to ring. I looked at the caller ID and answered the phone, “Hi baby.”
“Hi Mom. Ya’ll getting married?”
“Well son, we are in the line waiting.” I didn’t want to say more as the excitement in his voice was so innocent and sweet; yet in my head I felt those doors were never going to open. His voice pulled me back to the phone.
“I’m hungry,” he said. These are two very familiar words, which we hear multiple times on a daily basis. As an 18 year old boy his mind was focused on only a few needs.
“Ok,” I said. “Is your sister and brother-in-law on their way to the house?”
“Yes,” he answered. “They are on their way.”
“Ok, son. Tell her to pick up something on her way or make yourself a sandwich.”
“Ok mom, love ya.”
“Love you buddy,” I replied. “See ya soon.”

As I placed the phone back in my pocket, an overwhelming sense of disappointment and that old familiar despair began to enter my thoughts. Being an attorney and a Mormon I knew my attempt to gain a marriage license in the State of Utah would be futile. I would once again have to explain to our children that while God loved our family, there are still people here on Earth who do not understand His love and compassion. So often we are asked, “Why do you live in Utah?”  That answer is simple:  Utah is our home. We have lived in the south, too. I am Mormon while Brenda, my partner of 27 years, is Catholic. We have no spiritual home, as our religions remain firm in their beliefs denying rights to their gay members. The truth is--we love Utah. We love the culture.  We love the people. We don’t drink; we don’t smoke, and we are raising kids.  We love raising our kids in Utah. We fit in quite nicely except for one small detail--we happen to be two women in love with each other.  

My toes are freezing as I stand in this long line. To distract myself from the elements, my thoughts travel back to less than 30 days ago when I received a call from our daughter. “Hey mom.”
“Hey baby girl. How’s your day?”
“Good,” she says. “Bryce and I just got our marriage license!”
“Glad ya’ll finally got your license,” I express. “The wedding is only two days away. Did it take you long to get it?”
“Nope-- just walked right in,” she says. “Had to drive all the way to Provo though because the Draper office was closed--but there was no line.”

At this point there were several hundred people waiting in our line. How ironic that less than 30 days ago we were celebrating the legal marriage of our daughter. My thoughts quickly go back to last month when my partner and I proudly walked our daughter down the aisle to marry. There were close to 400 guests. We walked her to the front of the room, and a Mormon Bishop married her. The ceremony was beautiful.

Once again I am brought back to the present moment as my phone rings again.
“Hey mom.”
“Hey baby girl.”
“Are ya’ll almost done? We are here at the house to make Christmas cookies like we planned.”
“Well babe,” I say. “This is taking a bit longer. Can you tell your cousins that it will be later in the day before we get back to make cookies.”
“Ok,” she answers, “but hurry. Love you.”
“I love you, too. See ya soon.”

Now my thoughts are a bit frustrated. We had planned to make Christmas cookies and treats with my sisters, nieces, and nephews--all of whom are Mormon (which is irrelevant but thought you all should know). I am upset that chasing a marriage license has taken away our family time together--time we cannot get back.  This is not fair and is wrong in so many ways. There is a rustle in the crowd as the Weber County door opens and cheers erupt. I quickly make my way to the front of the line to hear the announcement. The cheers turn to moans as it is announced the Clerk cannot let us in.

Humiliated, I grab Brenda’s hand and say “Let’s go.” On the long drive back home, we discuss the legal significance of Judge Robert Shelby’s ruling and contemplate the behind-the-scenes scenario that must be taking place with the Government leaders and of course “the church” leaders, AKA, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints.  As silence replaces our words, my mind once again begins to wander. I think about the legal argument the State presented in denying same sex couples the right to marry.  The best interest of children always becomes relevant.  The State argued being raised by a father and mother is the optimal situation in producing well-adjusted children.

Hum, I think to myself-Who did that study? No one has ever contacted us to be part of a study. No one has evaluated our two straight children—whom, of course, their moms think are amazing.  Ok, my biased thoughts aside--our kids--a girl and a boy, should be judged on their own merits. Our straight daughter just married an amazing man and is in her final year of college as a biochemistry major.  She is beautiful from the inside, out. She is smart, caring, loving, and has a great sense of humor. Our son is kind, smart, funny and an incredible athlete who has received an offer to play collegiate baseball.  They are really good kids based on the standards of society and both of them are straight.

I, on the other hand, was raised by one male and one female; both straight. In fact, my father was a Mormon Bishop, Stake President, and Mission President. Brenda was raised by one male and one female; both straight who are Catholic. We were raised in the optimal situation according to the State, but both of us turned out gay. So if being gay is ‘bad’--an abomination, and allowing gay people to marry will destroy marriage and society, then producing gay children must be considered bad and undesirable. Accordingly, our parents failed the State test.  If the rationale of the State’s arguments was to be applied to me and Brenda, and recognizing our Union produced two well-adjusted straight children, then we should be allowed to marry. Our parents should have been forced to divorce.  Certainly producing gay children from a straight marriage is a detriment to society and traditional marriage, right?

Legal marriages should be defined as a union between two loving and committing adults who wish to share legally protected State and Federal rights. Legal marriage should remain about legal rights not religious definitions.  The constitution unequivocally protects the right to freedom of religion and yet it is very clear that the separation of Church and State is an intricate part in producing a democratic state of the union.  While marriage is a spiritual act in religion, it is a legal act in governing. The Government must provide all legal rights and protection under the law to ALL people equally. Religions do now and can continue to deny members rights based upon their beliefs.  Religions remain divided on the definition of marriage and treatment of their gay members and that is perfectly within their rights to do so. The Government should provide one legal definition of marriage that applies to all citizens equally as it is their duty to do so.

Let’s be honest here. My life has been way more difficult having been gay than my childrens’ lives have been. I have been faced with trials and obstacles that I never thought possible to overcome. I spent hours of counsel with church leaders; hours in prayer and nothing worked--nothing made me straight. I even joined the God Squad and Fellowship Christian Athletes and got ‘saved’ at my friend’s southern church. I tried everything to become straight to no avail. Alternatively, my children who are a product of a gay relationship, are straight and have it much easier than we ever did. So suffice it to say that in this scenario, the best interest of the children was to be raised by a gay couple. Accordingly, Brenda and I should be married as we have produced straight, well-adjusted children.

The result of this rationale is absurd as I hope everyone can see this. While the Government, the State, and the Courts determine the fate of our access to equal protection and legal rights, please include my children in your studies. Please include all the gay children who were produced by straight religious parents to determine and define legal marriage.  Freedom of religion and freedom of speech remain in place to protect the views of those religions and people who consider homosexual acts and people as an abomination. It provides them the rationale to deny my religious right to marry the person I love; not my legal right to marry.  I choose to be judged by my God only. I choose to live in a country where I know my leaders will protect my legal rights and provide me equal protection under the laws of this great Nation.

My heart is heavy, and I am tired.  I can no longer remain silent on this issue. I can no longer stand to hear that children are better off being raised by a man and a woman. The studies undeniably show children who are raised by LOVING, SUPPORTIVE parents--regardless of their gender or sexual orientation--are well-adjusted children. Our children are proof. Moreover, the fact that I am gay is not a result of my environment as five of the six siblings raised by my parents are straight. I was created from the same DNA and the same God and I am gay. God created me just as He did my brother and sisters. God does not create mistakes, and I am not a mistake. I am not a product of a broken home. I am a product of two amazing, loving parents who believe in God, the Bible, morals and standards, and who raised me to believe the same. They did not fail by producing me.

Brenda and I have now raised two children with those same standards and beliefs. We just had to do it on our own and without the loving support a religious institution and congregation can provide. We never found a home or felt welcome in our place of worship so we had to teach our children that they are children of God who are loved and are to serve Him and honor Him and our family name.  We have never been legally recognized so we had to tell our children that our relationship and our family are valid and real despite the denial of legal rights in this country.

I have always known in my heart and head there would come a time when we would find legal recognition and spiritual acceptance.  It is time. The time is now. We can wait no more.   

Friday, June 29, 2012

Las Vegas or Bust!

Anne, my youngest sister, called and said she was going to Las Vegas to see Kathryn before she left for China.   What a great idea, I inform Deb (ala JoAnn) that we are going to Vegas for some family time with the 3 younger girls.....of course she "gleefully" agrees and off we go.......well kinda!!!!

We pick the car up from Lexus, they are fixing the junction box that got wet from a leaky window that Techna Glass incorrectly installed at the end of Feb, and YES Techna glass is paying for the repair.  As we jump in the car it becomes painfully obvious that the A/C is not turning on, thankfully  we discover this before we leave the Lexus parking lot.  Whoops, a blown blower fan after 30 minutes and 150.00 we are on our way......

UNTIL.............

We hit Cove Fort, were we stop to use the "privy"  when re-enter the car and try to start the car........it won't start.  With the help  of K.C., from the conveniently placed "Cove Fort Repair" shop we push the car to the shop where K.C. announces that "you've got a blown fuel pump".   NICE..........to make a long story or trip longer, K.C. calls Jimmy, his dad, to tow us to the nearest dealer that can repair the car.  We have plenty of options:

Beaver
Richfield
Fillmore
St George or
Salt Lake

and we will have to wait for the part which won't be to any of these places by 4 Friday afternoon.  So much for leaving early Thursday so as to have enough time in Vegas.   We set our sights and wallet on St George, Stephan Wade can fix it with a part from Las Vegas.  So far, if my math mind serves we right we are in this trip for:

 550.00    Tow
 400.00    Part
 162.00    Labor
1112.00                                       
  150.00   Blown Blower Fan (whoops forgot to add this)
1262.00   Total


Jimmy kindly allows us to ride in our car on top of the tow truck, who would've have thought, which we do, car idling all the way to St. George NO ONE was going to deprive me of the A/C!!!!  Deb's sister and niece, Robin and Jenny meet us at the dealership and lend us their "ride" we drive to Sand Hollow were we take up residence at Deb's other sister Sara's house, which thankfully has a pool, A/C, and cable.

I wish I knew the end to this story, but.......we are still in St. George, Tom from the dealership says he will have the part by 4 maybe 4:30 and should have it finished by today if not "then I can have it for you on Tuesday".........

Seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Saturday, June 23, 2012

Grandma Do You Meditate?

It was on I15 somewhere between Draper and 33rd South, that Warren asked me, "Grandma do you meditate", as I glanced over my shoulder to take a peak at Warren I saw him sitting crossed legged, palms up, thumb and second finger touching and each hand resting on his knees.  

Me:  I do meditate.

Warren:  AGH!! its so frustrating when I can't get the thoughts out of my head.

Me:  Sometimes if you focus on a word or sound it helps to clear your mind.

This is where I taught him the "Omm".

Warren:  (after a minute or so)  Meditating makes you feel calm!

Me:  Warren, where did you learn about meditating?

Warren:  Josh, my friend taught me.  I feel so much better after I meditate.

Sometimes this child amazes me, and he's right meditating does make you feel better!!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I Want to Eat

I want to eat....something....anything and yet I can't find one thing that sounds good.  This might not sound strange to the normal human being but, to a Hickman, or former Hickman this may be the first sign of a terminal illness, for we can always find something to eat.

When I get like this I have learned to sit back and take a deep breath go inside of myself to see what I "really" need.  For I know its not food!

After mom died I spent the entire week with my sisters and family, I haven't spent that much time with them in years.  This week when I go inside to see why I want to eat and can't find anything that fills that need I recognize that I miss my sisters.  It was such a sweet experience to be back with them in our parents home.

I felt like a child again, being around them each day and, I think I can recognize that it won't happen again so I didn't want it to end.  Each day since the funeral has been over I have felt the need to call and talk to them, hear their voices, cry with them.  I have found sweet comfort in my grief hearing their voices and being reminded that I am one part of a whole. 

We each have our own homes, and families that will have to be tended to and cared for and I suspect we well go back to talking less than we would like.  But, for one week I felt like a child again and I think I know how my mother must have felt when her mother died, homeless but not "family-less" just longing for the sweet sounds of her siblings voices to tie her back to her youth.

Thank goodness my parents had the common sense to have 6 of us!!!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

I Am My Mother's Daughter

I have been reminded almost daily; that I am just like my mother, when I was young I took this as an indictment.

I was embarrassed by many things my mother did. For example: I wanted my mother to wear go-go boots like Jan Jensen’s mom. I did not want my mother to announce to friends or dates that “Melissa’s not here she broke her leg and we had to shoot her”. And, why did my mother have to be the last mom in Prove to adopt a pair of jeans? It was during these years I first heard the words of wisdom from my mother, which would dictate much of my life. 

"Melissa you don’t have to tell everything you know" and, 
"Melissa, think before you speak". (I’m pretty sure I earned those directions honestly) 

As I grew into my young adult years I began to appreciate my mom in different ways. When I entered college and wondered what was I going to do in this vast waste land (I wasn’t the scholar in the family), and I had discovered that my mom had graduated from college, I thought to myself if she can do it I can too. And then, when I left for my mission and was terribly home sick it was my mother who calmed the storm with her own brand of love and firmness, “Finnish what you start”, which I did and am forever grateful for. 

When I started raising my own children my thoughts turned towards my mother in a much different way. I now understood why she shunned those jeans so many years ago; the darn waste was just too tight. I fretted about my kid’s decisions, and worried about their futures, and above all else I would do anything for them. With these realizations in mind I called my mother one day and shared with her my understanding of what her life was like when her children made decisions that she didn’t always agree with. What I was learning then and what I can see clearly now was my mother’s unconditional love. 

With the advent of grandchildren my heart expanded exponentially each one bringing more joy than the last. I remembered watching my mother swaddle, cuddle, kiss, chase and devour each child that came within her grasp. None were safe from the arms and lips of my mother. I too have the same insatiable appetite for my own grandchildren. 

As I embraced the phrase “ you are just like your mother” I was able to look past the things I would have changed and to value those gifts she had passed onto me: the gift a gab, a sense of humor, a passion for friends and family, I would rather wear a dirty moo-moo and eat on paper plates and have friends and family at my table than to be alone in a perfect house. And most importantly to be a woman of faith, to believe deeply and passionately in all things spiritual, truly, once I stopped dreading becoming my mother I could see her Christ like qualities in their full splendor. Now when someone says, “you are just like your mother”, I find sweet comfort in those words. 

The Queen has left her court…..My mother passed away on a glorious Sunday morning, and I believe my father was at her side. I could not have asked for a sweeter experience than to be surrounded at my mother's bed with my sisters, brother-in law, nieces, nephews and Deb to witness her crossing. I can only hope that I can emulate her life by the way I live mine, full of love, laughter, good friends, cherished family and service to all!!!