The Day the Queen Left Her Court

It has taken my awhile to actually post this entry, not because it was too painful, but because my procrastination was in play.  As I was updating my blog today I found this entry, I had written it the day mom died because I wanted to remember each moment of that day and then just forgot to post.  I found it this Christmas morning and thought what a perfect day to finally post it!!!  Mom made Christmas a day to remember so its fitting that on this day she would make my day one more time.  I love you mom big as the whole shy many!!!

 Sunday June 10, 2012

Heather wakes me at 5:30 a.m., she is exhausted and Anne is asleep in mom's lounger, she asks, could I take over so she could get a little sleep.  Deb and I get out of bed dress after our own 2 hour nap, and head to my mother's room.

 I arrived at my mother's home Saturday afternoon at 3:00 p.m. to take over from Patricia, who had not been to her own home since Sunday the June 3rd.  When I arrive Patricia is at my mother's place at our childhood kitchen table and Allison is in repose in my mothers favorite spot in the kitchen bay window.  Allison tells me, through tears, about David's blessing he has administered that afternoon.  Blessing my mom with comfort and a sweet reunion with Dad, promising that we would take care of each other.  Allison leaves and says she will be back later.  I go to my mother, she is so different from when I spent time with her on Thursday, her breathing is labored, she can answer my questions but they are quick and short, sometimes with just a nod of her head.  Once back in the kitchen I sit with Patricia and plead with her, "Don't leave me alone", to which she thankfully reply's "I'm not leaving you alone".  Its not that I'm scared, its that I don't want to be the only one there when mom leaves this world.

Quickly things start to swirl in our home, friends are stopping by to say goodbye, DeAnn, Carolyn, Anne, Janelle and Kathy....they all want to see mom alive, with each visitor mom finds the strength to open her eyes and say "I love you".  Once they leave she closes her eyes and returns to slumber.

Patricia and I call Nancy, mom's administrating angle hospice nurse, we are worried because she seems more agitated than usual.  Thankfully Nancy comes within the hour, we sit and watch her take mom's pulse, blood pressure and oxygen, she leaves the house and comes back, as she turns her back to mom she whispers the news we knew was coming but wanted to delay as long as possible, "She much worse than yesterday she has about 24 to 48 hours left".  Mom has been on hospice for 19 months, we had kidded each other over those months that mom just said she had cancer so that we would come see her more......I guess she wasn't kidding!!

As I walk back to the living room and start making calls its hits me what I am saying to my sister's when I say "Nancy says mom has about 24 to 48 hours left", mom is dying.  Heather is there within the hour, Allison comes next, Betsey and Richard along with Kathryn and kids jump in their car and leave Vegas.  Anne will pick up Kendall at the airport and be there by 11 p.m.  I want to say to them "don't worry she's taken 19 months to get to this place I'm sure she will be here tomorrow", but I can't get it out because I don't believe this to be true.

Mom hasn't needed to be on any pain medication the entire time,  but now she will be given Morphine to ease her breathing, we administer the medication every 2 hours beginning at 11 p.m..  Mom still seems to be consciousness into the night, I know this because I make mention of her mother's dentures to which she lets our a loud growl, when Allison corrects me that Grandma had a bridge mom makes a calmer sound that we understand to be an "ahh".

I have said many times in this process that mom would have carried her hand cart across the plains and she is now verifying this to be true, mom doesn't lose consciousness or stop eating days before her passing, as the hospice book says, no she will use all her strength to stay with us and help us through the night.

As Deb and I make our way to moms room I can see that her breathing is very labored, her entire body must do the work of breathing, I sit in the lounger recently vacated by Anne.  I administer her last does of Morphine and Ativan hoping that she will be able to calm down.  As I set there watching mom use every ounce of energy to breathe I look to my dad's missionary picture and begin to plead with him, and my Heavenly Father, to come and get her.   I really don't want her to go I want to cuddle up with her as I did as small child.

I call Nancy and let her know what I am witnessing, she tells me that the end is near and to call everyone.  I quickly do so and within 30 minutes we are all gathered at my mother's bed.  Nancy arrives minutes later, by this time we have rolled mom on her side to let the gathered fluid drain from her mouth.  Anne has cuddled up to my to help prop her body, Betsey is reassuring mom that its ok to leave that we love her.  Nancy sweetly tells mom that she can go and as she lifts the oxygen tubs from my her face, she take a few more breaths and with her last breath she opens her eyes as wide as she can and then exhales, Nancy says that this is unusual to have someone open their eyes at the end.  I think to myself, nothing mom does is unusual!!!  I am going to believe that what mom was viewing was the beginning to the answer of her prayers and blessings, a glorious reunion with Dad, her loved ones and the Savior.